After a minor train derailment, millions are irrationally feared dead by the American public. According to Kent Jeffries, FEMA Press Liaison, “It’s one of the worst disasters this country has ever seen in terms of completely unfounded concern.”
His advice? Stop calling your loved ones, as they’re probably not dead. Instead, it’s far more likely that they’re just in meetings and can’t answer your calls yet.
In times of national crisis, I’m just so glad we can rely on the Onion News Network for their thorough, accurate and responsible coverage of breaking news. Aren’t you?
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